{"id":616,"date":"2023-01-02T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-01-02T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/why-your-friends-are-usually-the-worst-place-to-compare-your-financial-habits\/"},"modified":"2025-08-29T16:44:57","modified_gmt":"2025-08-29T16:44:57","slug":"why-your-friends-are-usually-the-worst-place-to-compare-your-financial-habits","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/why-your-friends-are-usually-the-worst-place-to-compare-your-financial-habits\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Your Friends are (Usually) the Worst Place to Compare Your Financial Habits"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"sqs-html-content\" data-sqsp-text-block-content>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">When I originally published this post in February 2021, my thesis was pretty simple: <em>Comparing your financial situation and decisions to the gals you wine down with on Bachelor Monday probably won\u2019t net highly favorable results, because you\u2019re selecting your \u201cfinancial frame of reference\u201d based on unrelated qualifications.<\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">As I revisit the idea in 2025, I realize I omitted a pretty substantial aspect of the interplay between our friendships and our money. More on that shortly.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Let me start by saying this: I\u2019m sure your friends are great. In fact, you\u2019ve probably hand-selected them <em>because<\/em> they\u2019re great. They\u2019re probably great listeners. They probably make you laugh. They probably know how to have a good time.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">But you know what they truly may or may not be? Good with money.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<figure class=\"block-animation-site-default\">\n<blockquote data-animation-role=\"quote\" \n<p>   ><br \/>\n    <span>\u201c<\/span>As humans, we tend to apply a tribal mentality to our decision-making: We compare ourselves to the people around us to gauge how we\u2019re doing. In practice, it feels reasonable enough, but in objective reality, it\u2019s silly.<span>\u201d<\/span>\n  <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n<div class=\"sqs-html-content\" data-sqsp-text-block-content>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Basing your financial decisions on your friends would be a little bit like going to your high school reunion and soliciting people for skincare advice\u2014sure, you have something in common with these people (namely, experiencing your zitty awkward phase together), and there <em>may<\/em> be a dermatologist present\u2026but the selection criteria (high school) has nothing to do with the topic at hand.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Unfortunately, this is how many of us judge our own financial decisions, by craning our neck around to look at the seven people we hang out with regularly and asking, \u201cWell, what are <em>they<\/em> doing?\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">And you know what? You <em>shouldn\u2019t<\/em> choose your friends based on how they interact with money (despite what all the hardo Twitter thinkboiz will tell you about \u201cthe <a href=\"https:\/\/www.pajiba.com\/web_culture\/the-kind-of-friends-you-should-have-by-age-30.php\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"text-decoration:underline\">types of friends<\/span><\/a> you should have in your thirties\u201d). If you like Paula as a friend because she\u2019s the first one to take her top off and hop on the mechanical bull, that\u2019s a good enough reason for me (also, is she free this Friday?).<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">But unless \u201cfinancially savvy\u201d is a primary criterion on which you select your friendships, <strong>whether or not your friends are \u201cgood with money\u201d is a statistical crapshoot.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">As humans, we tend to apply a tribal mentality to our decision-making: We compare ourselves to the people around us to gauge how we\u2019re doing.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">In practice, it <em>feels<\/em> reasonable enough, but in objective reality, it\u2019s silly.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">If I make $50,000 per year and I have three friends who make $35,000, I might feel pretty high and mighty (because with respect to the three people I\u2019m comparing myself to, I\u2019m doing great).&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">But those three people were randomly selected by me for <em>completely<\/em> different, unrelated reasons, and they don\u2019t represent\u2014with any level of accuracy\u2014an actual comparison standard for the type of income I could be striving for.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">After all, if I\u2019m a software developer making $50,000 and the <a href=\"https:\/\/money.usnews.com\/careers\/best-jobs\/software-developer\/salary\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"text-decoration:underline\">current median salary is $110,000<\/span><\/a>, I should be comparing myself to other developers\u2014and likely many more than three of them\u2014to determine if my salary is fair and if I\u2019m doing well for myself.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\"><strong>Your friends are an arbitrary comparison standard when it comes to money, but it\u2019s the default standard most of us subconsciously use.<\/strong><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<hr \/>\n<div class=\"sqs-html-content\" data-sqsp-text-block-content>\n<h2 style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">How this comparison mindset can negatively impact your spending habits<\/h2>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">The salary example is a rather innocuous one. Where things can become real dicey, real fast is when we start judging our <em>investing and spending <\/em>decisions based on what our social circle is doing.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Roughly <a href=\"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/NFCS-Report-Fifth-Edition-July-2022.pdf\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"text-decoration:underline\">half<\/span><\/a> of Americans who register as having \u201chigher financial literacy\u201d <em>still<\/em> spend more than they earn, which means the sheer probability that you\u2019re friends with someone who has right \u2018n tight financial habits is low\u2014just by nature of the fact that there aren\u2019t many people who are excellent at personal finance in general (let this be your motivation to <strong>be<\/strong> the friend who\u2019s good at money!).<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Let\u2019s use a super common example: If all of your friends live in nice apartments and pay $2,400 to $2,600 in rent, what\u2019s your assumption about a \u201cnormal\u201d rent payment? Probably about $2,500.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">But <em>your<\/em> income and goals might be better suited by the $2,000 range (even if you make as much as they do!). Because of human psychology, though, you\u2019ll likely anchor to the figure that feels familiar.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Based on the friends you\u2019ve surveyed, $2,500 is more or less \u201caverage\u201d\u2014even though it might not be right for <strong>you<\/strong> (and may not be right for them, either).<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">The same goes for cars, going out, and shopping, because it\u2019s natural to behave the way your larger social circle behaves, perceiving their behavior as \u201cnormal\u201d and \u201cacceptable\u201d because it\u2019s common in your frame of reference. On a broader scale, this is how society as a whole works\u2014 it\u2019s human nature.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<hr \/>\n<div class=\"sqs-html-content\" data-sqsp-text-block-content>\n<h2 style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">How this comparison mindset can negatively impact your saving and investing habits<\/h2>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">As a natural extension of spending more, you\u2019ll be saving less\u2014but the #danger comes into play when nobody you\u2019re friends with discusses <em>investing<\/em> with any sort of regularity. I feel like a broken Suze Orman VHS tape, but it\u2019s true: The way most people hear about the places, things, and habits they engage in? Their social circle.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">I repeat: I am not advocating for finding new friends who work in wealth management and make 7-figure salaries. I\u2019m merely making a case for resisting the urge to use your pals as a proxy for judging your financial decisions, and instead taking your #MoneyMatters into your own hands.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Because none of my friends were investing a few years ago, the fact that I <em>wasn\u2019t<\/em> didn\u2019t feel out of line\u2014and unfortunately, this bleeds into (questionable) investment advice, too. A recent Bloomberg piece pointed out that there\u2019s some evidence that \u201ccrypto newbies\u201d who ended up as the biggest losers were <a href=\"https:\/\/www.bloomberg.com\/news\/articles\/2022-08-19\/crypto-newbies-have-family-and-friends-to-thank-for-losses\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"text-decoration:underline\">influenced by their friends<\/span><\/a> and family to get into the game.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">When it feels like everyone you know is minting millions overnight using little more than a black and green app and some newfangled shitcoin you\u2019ve never heard of, the pull to join the parade of new money can be strong (and you won\u2019t know how strong it is until it\u2019s <em>your<\/em> friend chiding you not to \u201chave fun staying poor\u201d).<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">And if you <em>are<\/em> lucky enough to have a whiz of a finance aficionado in your social circle, by all means, take notes! But even if you don\u2019t, you can <em>create<\/em> one by hiring an hourly, fee-only financial planner.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<hr \/>\n<div class=\"sqs-html-content\" data-sqsp-text-block-content>\n<h2 style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Friends, FOMO, and finances<\/h2>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Because here\u2019s the other tough truth about money and friendship that\u2019s clearer to me now than it was in 2021: Our social circle is usually the primary source of FOMO in our lives.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">When we talk about keeping up with the Joneses, we\u2019re not talking about some family you don\u2019t know who have a cooler Buick than you. It\u2019s easy to conjure an image of James and Lisa down the street, whom you barely know, and think, \u201cEh, I don\u2019t care what <em>they<\/em> do with their money! I\u2019m not susceptible to \u2018keeping up with the Joneses syndrome.\u201d<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">But \u201cthe Joneses\u201d aren\u2019t James and Lisa. \u201cThe Joneses\u201d are the couple you get dinner with occasionally who just spent two weeks in St. Barts. Prior to dinner, you may have felt great about your lifestyle, work, and financial progress, but suddenly, you might feel like a failure. (\u201cThey\u2019re always going on these lavish vacations! How are they doing that? Should we be going on fancy vacations? I don\u2019t think I can afford to take time off right now\u2026\u201d)&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">A good way to go from \u201cperfectly content\u201d to \u201cexistential tailspin\u201d in about two hours flat is to sit down for dinner with two people your age who appear to be living a (superficially) cooler life than you are.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">\u201cThe Joneses\u201d is your pal Bridget who just got a fat pay bump. You might have felt <em>thrilled<\/em> with your salary, but learning Bridget earns twice as much as you do would probably send a cubicle-sized grenade through your formerly wind-puffed sails.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">\u201cThe Joneses\u201d might be the family who just invited you to their housewarming party. Beforehand, you may have felt <em>awesome<\/em> about your new little rental spot, but after sipping Veuve in Kelly and Brad\u2019s new 4-bedroom home with a fully renovated kitchen stocked with rose gold drawer pulls and a stainless steel touchscreen fridge, you\u2019ll probably spend the ride home scrolling through the West Elm wormhole feeling like your house sucks by comparison and <em>you know what, these throw pillows are on sale!<\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Of course, you probably also feel happy for your friends\u2014but when you\u2019re subconsciously using them as a measuring stick to decide how <em>you\u2019re<\/em> doing, these emotions can get complicated.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">It\u2019s not as trite as claiming \u201ccomparison is the thief of joy,\u201d because it\u2019s more insidious than that\u2014just like we shouldn\u2019t discern how \u201cnormal\u201d our spending is by comparing it to what our friends are doing, we <em>also<\/em> can\u2019t make statistically valid comparisons about lifestyle choices, either.&nbsp;<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">It\u2019s not just bad for your emotional state\u2014it\u2019s rationally invalid.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<hr \/>\n<div class=\"sqs-html-content\" data-sqsp-text-block-content>\n<h2 style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">How you can be <em>positively<\/em> influenced without finding a new group of nerdy spreadsheet friends<\/h2>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Howdy, I\u2019ll be your finance friend! Just like friends can influence poor decisions, your internet \u201cmoney friends\u201d can influence good ones.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">That is to say: Sometimes, your financial barometer can be a more intentionally curated collection of personal finance content and knowledge.<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">But other times\u2014like when it comes to comparison\u2014it can really only be <em>you.<\/em><\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Your comparison gauge simply won\u2019t function properly unless the person you\u2019re using as a yardstick is <em>yourself <\/em>(unless there\u2019s another person you know who had the exact same upbringing, resources, opportunities, unlucky breaks, and brain\u2014then compare away).<\/p>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">Here are some questions to use as a journal prompt when you find yourself sucked into Kelly and Brad\u2019s <a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=sT8wMBeVffk&amp;ab_channel=Movieclips\" target=\"_blank\"><span style=\"text-decoration:underline\">vortex<\/span><\/a> of an awesome time and awesome shooters and awesome music:<\/p>\n<ol data-rte-list=\"default\">\n<li>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">What (and how) was I doing this time five years ago? How has my life changed since then? How has my financial progress evolved?<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">What would 5-years-ago-me say if they could see me now?<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<li>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">What concrete steps am I taking right now to make myself proud five years from now?<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ol>\n<p class=\"\" style=\"white-space:pre-wrap;\">While it\u2019s definitely hard (and maybe even unnatural) to extricate your own progress (or life) from someone else\u2019s, doing so packs a dual benefit: You\u2019ll feel better about <em>you<\/em> when you tunnel-vision your focus to your own life (and you\u2019ll have an easier time feeling genuinely happy for your friends, too). <\/p>\n<\/div>\n<hr \/>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When I originally published this post in February 2021, my thesis was pretty simple: Comparing your financial situation and decisions to the gals you wine down with on Bachelor Monday probably won\u2019t net highly favorable results, because you\u2019re selecting your \u201cfinancial frame of reference\u201d based on unrelated qualifications. As I revisit the idea in 2025, [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":178814,"featured_media":2454,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"si-template-single-post-relationships-and-family.php","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[37,35,52,36],"tags":[45,41,62],"class_list":["post-616","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-financial-independence","category-investing-and-taxes","category-money-psychology","category-spending-and-saving","tag-everyday-spending-and-budgeting","tag-relationships-and-family","tag-popular-relationships-and-family"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.8 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Why Your Friends are (Usually) the Worst Place to Compare Your Financial Habits - Money with Katie<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/why-your-friends-are-usually-the-worst-place-to-compare-your-financial-habits\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Why Your Friends are (Usually) the Worst Place to Compare Your Financial Habits - Money with Katie\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"When I originally published this post in February 2021, my thesis was pretty simple: Comparing your financial situation and decisions to the gals you wine down with on Bachelor Monday probably won\u2019t net highly favorable results, because you\u2019re selecting your \u201cfinancial frame of reference\u201d based on unrelated qualifications. 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