{"id":311,"date":"2022-11-14T13:00:00","date_gmt":"2022-11-14T13:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/money-problems-not-about-money\/"},"modified":"2025-09-03T18:57:53","modified_gmt":"2025-09-03T18:57:53","slug":"money-problems-not-about-money","status":"publish","type":"essays","link":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/essays\/money-problems-not-about-money\/","title":{"rendered":"Most Money Problems\u2026Aren\u2019t About Money"},"content":{"rendered":"
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The glorious TikTok algorithm served me a video the other day. It was from a sex therapist who opened with, \u201cMost couples who come to me say, \u2018Our marriage is perfect, except<\/em> for our sex life!,\u2019 and it\u2019s almost never true.\u201d <\/p>\n

She goes on to explain how\u2014much of the time\u2014when a couple believes they\u2019re no longer sexually compatible, it\u2019s usually the physical manifestation of something else. An uneven power dynamic, a lack of emotional intimacy, a trust issue\u2026the list goes on.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\n \u201c<\/span>Money has a way of masking and distorting problems that have almost nothing to do with the number in your checking account.\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n
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While I don\u2019t know *checks notes* anything about sexual compatibility or marriage (outside of what I\u2019ve learned in the last 18 months; shout-out to Sir Husband Thomas), the video stuck with me: Money is the same way. <\/p>\n

To a hammer, pretty much everything looks like a nail. To a personal finance writer, cash seems to be the cause of (or solution for) pretty much every problem.<\/p>\n

Of course, for people who are living at or below the poverty line (or really, anywhere within walking distance), it actually might<\/em> be about money<\/span><\/a>\u2014but money has a way of masking and distorting problems that have almost nothing to do with the number in your checking account.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\u201cJust one more year\u201d<\/h2>\n

In the FI\/RE community (and in retirement planning more broadly), there\u2019s a phenomenon known as “one more year”<\/em><\/span><\/a> syndrome<\/em>. \u201cOne more year\u201d syndrome is what happens when you finally cross the glorious finish line of your illustrious financial independence number (i.e., the amount you need to retire), then promptly twiddle your thumbs on the other side of said finish line and ask, \u201cBut are we sure<\/em> it\u2019s time to quit? What if I just gave it another year or two?\u201d <\/p>\n

The reasons vary and sound <\/em>reasonable enough: Leaving the workforce during what are likely your highest-earning years. An unpredictable future of expenses that are hard to estimate (like healthcare or housing while in a tenuous market). The belief that just giving it \u201cone more year\u201d will make you feel more secure.<\/em><\/p>\n

\u201cOne more year\u201d syndrome is not about money. It\u2019s about a sense of security. <\/p>\n

And when you\u2019re turning to your brokerage account and asking it to provide you not only with all the things it can buy but also with an indelible sense of safety<\/em>, you\u2019ve officially crossed into dicey territory. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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It\u2019s all relative<\/h2>\n

As wise finance avenger Ramit Sethi once tweeted<\/span><\/a>, \u201dYour feelings about money are highly uncorrelated to how much you have in the bank.\u201d<\/p>\n

Years ago, at age 22, I was blissfully unaware of just how close to the edge I was living. My net worth was no more than several thousand dollars, I was making below-average income, and I was trying to keep up with the Kardashians. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\n \u201c<\/span>\u201cYour feelings about money are highly uncorrelated to how much you have in the bank.\u201d\u201d<\/span>
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— Ramit Sethi<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n
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I never thought about money (until my financial awakening, when my precariousness was laid bare before me, of course). I wasn\u2019t stressed about it. I didn\u2019t feel insecure or risky. If anything, I felt like I had it made<\/em>, baby! I had a steady biweekly paycheck with my name on it for the first time in my life, and relative to my former, college self, I was rich<\/em>. <\/p>\n

But this phenomenon helps explain why now\u2014at 27\u2014I think about money constantly, despite having far more of it than I did five years ago. If you were to take an Anatomy Park<\/em><\/span><\/a>-style cruise through my prefrontal cortex at just about any time of day, you\u2019d probably find some remnant of a minutes-old thought that sounds something like, \u201cWell, once I have $2.5 million, all this stress will go away,\u201d or, \u201cWell, once we\u2019re financially independent, I don\u2019t think I\u2019ll have this anxiety about employment anymore.\u201d  <\/p>\n

It\u2019s incredibly easy to lose perspective. \u201cYour feelings about money are highly uncorrelated to how much you have in the bank.\u201d It\u2019s no surprise, then, that throwing more money at your feelings about money<\/em> usually does little to fix them.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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So what\u2019s the takeaway here? <\/h2>\n

I\u2019ve had to start instituting the phrase, \u201cWhat\u2019s this really<\/em> about?\u201d when I catch myself getting worked up about money. I even nicknamed the part of my personality that has a tendency to get a little too Scrooge McDuck-y sometimes \u201dThe Treasurer.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Treasurer is the part of me that stomps around my amygdala wearing a bright green plastic poker visor carrying a grinning piggy bank, frantically pointing at it, reminding me that if we can just get this hunk of smiling metal a little<\/em> fuller, everything will improve.<\/p>\n

The Treasurer wants to hoard. She wants to prepare<\/em>. Ultimately, she wants to feel secure and safe and cared for. <\/strong><\/p>\n

Crucially, I think of this part of me as separate from the real me<\/em>\u2014a little trick I learned from something called \u201cInternal Family Systems<\/span><\/a>,\u201d a method of therapy and philosophy about humans that basically says we have little \u201cfamilies\u201d of people\u2014parts of us\u2014that wrestle for control of our core self to keep us safe. <\/p>\n

(I sometimes also jokingly refer to The Clipboard Self, the part of me that frantically needs to check shit off the to-do list and manage the calendar or else she implodes, and The Beauty Queen<\/span><\/a>, who\u2019s a vestige of my Alabama days who makes me feel like if I\u2019m not perfectly \u201cmade up\u201d 24\/7, I\u2019m failing at being a woman.)<\/p>\n

The Treasurer, though, is a little monster that gets fed new material constantly by way of my profession\u2014and when I feel her start to emerge, I picture that visor-donning version of me and ask her: \u201cWhat\u2019s really the issue here? What are you actually<\/em> scared of?\u201d<\/p>\n

Usually, The Treasurer answers something like, \u201cI\u2019m afraid we\u2019re not going to have enough,\u201d or, \u201cI\u2019m afraid our lives are going to get worse if we don\u2019t get more,\u201d and somewhere in the course of the \u201cconversation,\u201d I\u2019m able to unearth what\u2019s actually driving the erroneous need for speed<\/span> more money: A sense of security, stability, and safety. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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\n \u201c<\/span>You may find that money represents \u2018just another adult thing\u2019 that you feel like you\u2019re not very good at, and it\u2019s become a self-fulfilling prophecy you use to beat yourself up.\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n
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\u201cNo, Treasurer, we already checked our net worth this week. We don\u2019t need to check it again. Why do you feel like you need to check it right now? What feeling are you trying to get?\u201d<\/p>\n

Am I suggesting you have an out-loud conversation with another part of yourself while on the subway? No, probably not. But when you find yourself alone with some quiet time, it\u2019s nice to engage the part of you that\u2019s worried about money gently and earnestly. I like to visualize a caricatured version of myself for this, but I don\u2019t think that\u2019s necessary\u2014it\u2019s just nice to give the little voice in your head a judgment-free outlet to express what\u2019s up. <\/p>\n

If you share finances with another person, inviting them <\/em>to express their inner, seemingly irrational concerns openly and honestly can be helpful, too\u2014as can letting them know what\u2019s coming up for you when you find your own<\/em> Treasurer getting antsy. <\/p>\n

Maybe you\u2019ll find your inner Treasurer is actually just a very young version of you\u2014after all, many of our financial neuroses are inherited<\/span><\/a> (and not the fun kind that comes with a $12.92 million tax exemption<\/span><\/a>). <\/p>\n

You may find it represents the thing your parents used to control you, so now you want nothing to do with it. <\/p>\n

You may find that money represents \u201cjust another adult thing\u201d that you feel like you\u2019re not very good at, and it\u2019s become a self-fulfilling prophecy you use to beat yourself up. <\/p>\n

You may find you\u2019re ready to retire on paper, but you\u2019re really just not sure who you are without work, and shoveling more money onto the pile for \u201cone more year\u201d feels like a more worthy use of your time. <\/p>\n

That last one hits people particularly hard, because it\u2019s so existential: What is my life for if not to create shareholder value?!<\/em> (I kid\u2026sort of.)<\/p>\n

Yes, for some of us, sometimes a cigar really is a cigar\u2014if we\u2019re living really close to the edge, our financial fears probably are<\/em> actually about money. <\/p>\n

But for some of us, it\u2019s worth exploring three important questions:<\/p>\n