{"id":281,"date":"2023-10-16T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2023-10-16T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/is-lusting-after-our-dream-homes-making-us-miserable\/"},"modified":"2025-09-03T18:54:09","modified_gmt":"2025-09-03T18:54:09","slug":"is-lusting-after-our-dream-homes-making-us-miserable","status":"publish","type":"essays","link":"https:\/\/moneywithkatie.com\/essays\/is-lusting-after-our-dream-homes-making-us-miserable\/","title":{"rendered":"Is Lusting After Our \u201cDream Homes\u201d Making Us Miserable?"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Last December, I took three of my best friends on a trip to Tulum, Mexico. It was the first time I had ever done something so grand, and a few days ago, I woke up thinking again of Tulum. I navigated to our choice hotel\u2019s site to check booking availability, making a mental note of the approximate dates and prices for a five-day trip. I was already drafting the invitation text in my head and giddy at the prospect of returning.<\/p>\n

Later that day on our back patio, I was looking out at the small lake our house backs up to. When it\u2019s time to buy a house, I\u2019ll want to buy on the water<\/em>, I thought dreamily, plodding down the well-worn path of mental Zillow window shopping, envisioning a home I would desire enough to drain my savings for. (Forget this<\/em> lake I already live on, right?!) My fantasy involved a midcentury modern affair\u2014heavy on the trees and windows, and light on the \u201csuburbia\u201d\u2014located near friends and family in Boulder, Colorado. <\/p>\n

Before long, mental Zillow turned into actual Zillow. I scrolled through listings on Mid Mod Dream Homes<\/span><\/a> to get a better sense for how much the dream bungalow would set me back. How much could it be?<\/em> <\/p>\n

There were no lakes in sight, but my eyes settled on a Boulder property with the mountains in the background, selling for $2,190,000. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\"\"\/<\/p>\n

\n

Oh.<\/em><\/p>\n

That\u2019s\u2026divide by two, carry the one<\/em>\u2026a $438,000 down payment and a cool $15,000 monthly payment toward PITI<\/span><\/a> with a 7.55% interest rate.<\/p>\n

Insert GIF of balloon slowly deflating.<\/em> \u201cWell, that\u2019s not going to happen,\u201d I said aloud, to no one. <\/p>\n

My eyes flickered to the tab from just a few hours prior, when I was thrilled at the prospect of treating myself and my friends to another week at the beach\u2014a vision that now felt wanton in light of the knowledge that an 1,800 s.f. home in Boulder was going for $1,200 per square foot. <\/p>\n

I can\u2019t make a habit of vacationing with friends if I\u2019m ever going to buy my dream house on the Front Range<\/em>, I scolded myself, scanning my life for other pleasurable-but-expensive nonessentials I could cut for the next decade to become the type of person who was worthy of purchasing a $2m, three-bedroom home. <\/p>\n

This guilt\u2014coupled with the fact that I knew I would probably never purchase such a gilded palace\u2014left me feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place (and decidedly not of the Rocky Mountain variety). <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n
>
\n \u201c<\/span>There\u2019s something a little backward about the implicit suggestion in the US that people should orient their entire lives around purchasing the structure they live in, particularly now, when housing affordability is at an all-time low.\u00a0\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n
\n

The deflation was less about this specific home<\/em>, and more about what \u201ceventual home ownership\u201d represented in that moment: the thing for which all else must be necessarily deprioritized.<\/p>\n

These are, of course, incredibly privileged problems. But as someone who writes about money on the internet, I talk to young people all the time who are delaying, downsizing, or altogether abandoning other interests in pursuit of one, singular dream: owning their dream home. They\u2019re ambitious, double-income couples working 50+ hours a week and dutifully saving thousands of dollars a month in service of this objective.<\/p>\n

Normally, this is the type of arrangement we smile upon in the personal finance world. Good little millennials<\/em>, we think, successfully navigating the temptations of modern life and socking away tens of thousands of dollars per year to save up for that six-figure down payment. <\/em><\/p>\n

And to some extent, it is<\/em> wonderful: Working toward a goal makes us happy. It makes us feel good about ourselves<\/span><\/a>, particularly when it aligns with the \u201cright\u201d type of ambition. A financial goal of \u201ctaking a vacation with your friends every year\u201d isn\u2019t likely to garner the same approving head nods.<\/p>\n

Still, I couldn\u2019t shake the feeling that there\u2019s something a little backward about the implicit suggestion in the US that people should<\/em> orient their entire lives around purchasing the structure they live in, particularly now<\/em>, when housing affordability is at an all-time low<\/span><\/a>. <\/p>\n

If an alien came to earth and witnessed these individuals sacrificing and stockpiling all of their discretionary resources\u2014for years and years<\/em>\u2014in pursuit of a down payment, I could imagine them saying, \u201cBut wait, you already<\/em> have a structure to live in?\u201d <\/p>\n

\u201cYes,\u201d the couple would reply, eyes twitching, too drunk on the Redfin haze to be startled by the extraterrestrial in their rented living room, \u201cBut someone else<\/em> owns this one. Unacceptable!\u201d <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n
>
\n \u201c<\/span>A lifetime of renting connotes something adjacent to \u2018failure\u2019 in the US.\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n
\n

The home this prototypical couple likely has in mind\u2014and the home worth a decade of sacrifice\u2014is not your $416,000 \u201cmedian\u201d home. At that point, they figure, you might as well extend a lease. Why struggle to afford something that isn\u2019t even as nice as the spot you\u2019re currently renting with relative ease? If you\u2019re going to do all the work to step up to the financial plate of home ownership, you might as well swing for the fences<\/em>, they think.<\/p>\n

Given how challenging it is to buy any<\/em> home today, the home worth striving for has to seem good enough to inspire a commensurate level of sacrifice. Enter: the dream home.<\/p>\n

For many, it\u2019s not a vision pursued out of joy or a generative vision of the future, but out of fear of the alternative: A lifetime of renting connotes something adjacent to \u201cfailure\u201d in the US. <\/p>\n

But could the things we\u2019re trying to achieve through home ownership largely be achieved through better protections for renters? Is it worthwhile to revisit the \u201cownership society<\/span><\/a>\u201d paradigm that local and federal governments have spent (at least) the last 50 years creating<\/span><\/a>? Who does it really work for anymore? Who has it ever really<\/em> worked for? <\/p>\n

After all, it\u2019s not like buying a home has ever<\/em> been \u201ceasy,\u201d just varying degrees of really hard: I also speak frequently with older people about their financial lives\u2014people in their forties, fifties, and sixties\u2014who regale me with tales of struggling for years to buy their home. Working late, working weekends, skipping vacations, skipping meals. \u201cBut we did it!\u201d they exclaim, \u201cand it was worth it<\/em>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Consider the fact that roughly one in two<\/span><\/a> millennial homeowners under the age of 34 needed financial support from someone else in order to buy their home. This is a trend that I\u2019m beginning to think has always been the norm\u2014it\u2019s a footnote I notice in most stories from my Gen X and Baby Boomer pals, too, mentioning how someone\u2019s dad had to gift or loan the down payment.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n
>
\n \u201c<\/span>Maybe the best solution is renting until you\u2019re able to buy the most reasonable home you can comfortably afford, and leaving the \u2018dream home\u2019 thing to HGTV.\u201d<\/span>\n <\/p><\/blockquote>\n<\/figure>\n
\n

When millennial couples used to tell me they were making painstaking sacrifices to get into a home, I used to applaud them for their commitment to financial prudence. Now, I can\u2019t help but wonder if they\u2019ve been sold on what\u2019s ultimately a pretty raw deal. Would having my name on a deed for a midcentury modern home\u2014rather than on a lease for one\u2014really<\/em> make me happy enough* to forgo the next 10 years of girls\u2019 trips (and more!) it would require? I\u2019m not so sure. <\/p>\n

Still, the alternative in the current paradigm\u2014where rents can be raised in most states with basically no legal limitation\u2014leaves a lot to be desired, too. Maybe the best solution is renting until you\u2019re able to buy the most reasonable home you can comfortably afford (yes, even if it takes much longer), and leaving the \u201cdream home\u201d thing to HGTV. <\/p>\n<\/div>\n

\n
\n

*<\/em>Data<\/em><\/span><\/a> from PWL Capital suggests the opposite might be true: \u201cEmpirically, homeowners are not happier, and may be less happy, than renters after controlling for income, housing quality, and health. Owners also spend less time on enjoyable activities like active leisure and more time working on their homes.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last December, I took three of my best friends on a trip to Tulum, Mexico. It was the first time I had ever done something so grand, and a few days ago, I woke up thinking again of Tulum. 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